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Skinny Cow Heavenly Crisps

Anyone who has been following the saga of Mariah Carey’s career and pregnancy knows that she put on a few pounds over the past year or two (and by a few I mean 70). After giving birth to twins Roc and Roe–also known as dem babies— the diva realized she had too many mirrors in her house, told a reporter that she felt “rancid”, and decided to trade her beloved candy and soul food for some Jenny Craig soup. When Mimi began dieting, her husband/indentured servant Nick Cannon issued a warning: “She’s going to come out looking better — looking like it’s 1990!” 1990, like when Nick was in the 5th grade.

Mariah’s weight loss story proves that stars really are just like us. Like so many other desperate Americans, the songstress turned to Jenny Craig to help her shed her baby weight (and her I-eat-too-much-fried-shit weight, too). Jenny Craig has clearly been good for Mariah– she’s lost 40lbs since signing up and was recently named the company’s newest spokeswoman. But I think it would have saved Mariah a lot of trouble– not to mention a few dry Jenny Craig brownies–if she had known about Skinny Cow Heavenly Crisps. 

Skinny Cow Heavenly Crisps are low-calorie (110 per bar!), low-fat, and high in fiber,  but they don’t lack any flavor. The chocolate that’s drizzled on top of the bars is just  as creamy as real chocolate; the inside of the bar is a delicate wafer that’s  hardly discernible from the wafer of a kit-kat bar. I could sing praises for Heavenly  Crisps and all Skinny Cow products all morning, but it’s not even this candy’s dietary attributes that Mimi would go wild for.

An entire generation envied Carey’s svelte figure, which she famously flaunted on the cover of her 1999 album, Rainbow, so it was quite a shock when the superstar waddled onto stage at the 2010 Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting looking like a very robust Mrs. Claus. See, Mimi would love Skinny Cow because Mimi is a skinny cow; a skinny person in a cow’s body.

Oh, Santa.

Even though she doesn’t work in a typical office, the size of Mimi’s ass is a testament to the perilous combination of boredom and snacking. Carey is doing a great job getting back on track, and unlike us plebeians she has a chef, a trainer, and a 31-year-old live-in boy-toy/baby daddy to help keep her diet on track. But Mimi, if you’re reading this, here’s some advice: next time Nick is off schmoozing with Sharon Osbourne and you can’t change one more of dem babies’ diapers (OK let’s be honest, girlfriend isn’t changing any diapers), put down the cornbread and enjoy a Skinny Cow Heavenly Crisp. You’ll thank me when no one mistakes you for Santa at this year’s tree lighting.